Tumblr break went about as well as you can imagine

Here’s the thing. Being a fan can be hard. Fandom can be utter shit, both internally and being judged from the outside.

But you know what? Today I got physically sick during Easter because the evil psychopath (and I say that as a person who’s administered the psychopath test to an actual psychopath in a forensic psych facility) that has infiltrated my family is actually still invited to all the fucking celebrations. Evil Kate (her actual name is actually Kate, and I’d prefer Kate Argent tbh) sucks the life out of my family.

Also, I am terrified of the future, having chosen to go a different path with my career (baking is a lot less hard on the soul than psychology yo) and I am terrified of doing new things to the point of physical illness.

But.

A year ago, on another Easter sunday, I was watching episode 4 of Teen Wolf, curled up into a ball of misery on my aunt’s couch. I was sick, then, too - I spend a good quarter of my life in pretty excruciating pain because of a bunch of ovarian cysts etc. that make shark week feel like a literal shark is gnawing on my lower body (I have pretty serious heartburn from the ibuprofen, too). I was also feeling stuck and hopeless and I heard voices in my head every day, and those voices wanted me to give up. For a while as my broken arm healed and my life slowly stagnated, I heard the words “kill yourself” at the back of my head. All day, every day.

Fandom and Teen Wolf got me out of that, got me something to focus on, got me something to hope for, something to analyze, something to drown out the voices.

Fandom, man. It’s the worst. But most days, real life is the worst, too.

In the last year I’ve written a fairly long novel’s worth of stories and meta about Teen Wolf and Sterek. I’ve changed my career and am about to start an internship at a scarily expensive hotel. I’m going to be an apprentice in the fall. There’ll be the Wolfsbane con in London.

Dragon Age 3 is coming out and Teen Wolf Season 3 and Steven DeKnight is making a military sci-fi show that sounds like all my (other, non werewolf) favorite things.

The last year wasn’t easy and this last week has made me a ball of fannish rage. But you know what? I don’t hear the voices. The anons? They’re nothing. The kind of rage and sadness I’ve felt the last few days is staggering, but it’s… directed outward. I’m not hearing anything except the beat of my heart like the sound of drums.

Basically, last night I could have gone to bed after my 5 minutes and I would have gone to bed having read that first awful article about slash, but I stayed around, let my anger out, commiserated with friends and then good things began to happen because fandom kind of works like that - there’s a lot of crap, but a lot of good, too. Sometimes it’s worth it waiting out the crap to get to the good bits.

I’m old enough to make these choices for myself - to say I need a break and then maybe not need it as much anymore, to figure out stuff along the way, to regulate myself on my own terms.

A year ago, I was a different person. Today, I can take on a little bit more than I thought I could.

Except Kate. Kate’s a plague.